Pathwork Additional Material No. 10
April 1, 1971
TRAINING GROUP SESSION
God bless every one of you here, my dearest, dearest friends. It is the first time that I shall speak specifically to you, and the weight and the emphasis of what I will say will perforce be a double one: you as a follower on the Path and you as either already or a potential leader of the Path or helper, so as to show the way to others. And this emphasis is a very important one and must be combined -- these two facets must be combined. As you all can see that the Path is taking on more intense and direct aspects. All preparations have led to the possibility of safely going into deeper feelings, as I said in the last lecture. Now, you as helpers should know specific aspects about this. There is always a voluntary and an involuntary resistance in everyone. The voluntary resistance or defense can be recognized if the conscious personality wishes this, if the conscious personality is truly willing to dispense with the prideful facade. But then, even when this happens, there is a secondary layer of defense or resistance and this is involuntary. This involuntary resistance (as it is self-explanatory) cannot directly be given up at will but only indirectly as a result of recognizing the voluntary resistance, overcoming it, giving it up, and then literally praying and meditating for overcoming the involuntary resistance -- resistance to experience fully pent up feelings of the past and recognize how they are projected and acted out in the present. The moment the voluntary resistance is given up, the observation of the involuntary resistance will already put an entirely different emotional climate into your psyche and will create a new energy, even before the involuntary resistance can be completely given up.
My recommendation for this training group at this point is to specifically concentrate in your training group sessions, as well as in your other group sessions, as well as in your private work, for the helper, the respective helper, has to be particularly aware of this, to concentrate on the voluntary resistance and to work on giving this up. This is the first thing I wanted to discuss and you can in a little while all ask me questions about this or anything else you may wish.
The second point I want to make is in this new phase of this work there will be a more intensely going into the emotions and feelings of the past and expressing them in the right setting. It will be extremely helpful, my friends, when you create conditions -- almost deliberate conditions -- of frustration in the sessions, private as well as group. Now, this is a very, very important topic that can be worked on in many different ways and I will only touch upon it here and you can, by your own inspiration, work further with that. The first time this came up in our work was a while ago when we had the meeting of all the groups together, and in the question and answer session that preceded this I advised to let the tension build; and by the building of the tension, it can be transcended and something very wonderful can happen.
Now, this is possible also for the purpose of getting into the depth of past feelings, into the depth of fear and pain and anger and hurt, etc. In order to fully experience these feelings, you need anxiety, tension, and frustration. And instead of using methods that have so far been very helpful (for example, also in general groups) to release these tensions (such as exercises, etc.), you should now all concentrate on this tension and almost welcome it so as to let it be the guiding motor force that can get you through. The anxieties that accumulate are therefore important tools.
How this can be almost deliberately created in private or group sessions is something you have to discuss and I will leave it to all your resourcefulness and your intuitiveness to create such means. If, for example, someone is very strongly addicted to smoking, smoking in such a session should be discontinued. But for other people this may not be an undue stress so other ideas fitted to the individual in question should be thought and talked about and groped about and I can promise, you will have a lot of inspiration, once you concentrate on this.
The third point I want to make is an extremely important one and a subtle one that again concerns you as followers of the Path as well as leaders on the Path. And that is this: As I indicated many times before in the lectures and in our work (it has come up repeatedly in different forms), experiences and feelings that have not been gone through from the past must manifest in the present. This can take very subtle forms and it is exceedingly important that all of you see how you do this yourselves, for only to that degree will you be able to detect it in people you work with. To the degree you are blind about that in yourself, you must be blind when others are doing it, for it is, of course, very obvious that the helper is a primary tool for the so-called patient to fulfill the role of the parent. Now, this is usually called in therapy, transference. These transferences should not be encouraged in the sense of acting the role, and to the degree you have your own fears and needs not recognized and not overcome, you will have the tendency in yourself to become a good parent. And this is very harmful. It is not helpful at all, for if you are that good parent, you nurture the false needs, the neurotic needs, the projected acting out patterns of the person you work with. This does not mean you should not be sympathetic and helpful and a good sturdy friend, but this is an entirely different thing than the impossible expectations of everyone who is battling in this way -- to act out, to be freely allowed to act out and then, nevertheless, have the ideal parent forgive and always be there.
These tendencies should be recognized and not encouraged. They are also not helpful because in a deeper sense they humor the so-called patient and make him a dependent being who is not taken fully as a responsible human being. A person should be fully taken and deal with the helper on that level, where he should not be allowed to act out impossible demands. And it is very often confusing that the role of the helper is thought to be an all-indulging, never reacting ideal parental figure. And this is not to be recommended. You cannot be that and if you would attempt to be that, it would be false and it would be harmful not only because it is false but also because it encourages something unrealistic. These are the three main points I wanted to discuss. Now, are there any questions on your path from any one of you regarding any of these points? I shall be glad to answer you.
QUESTION: We have this psychomotor thing from El Paso, Texas, where there was a set of the old parents and the good parents. What can you say about …?
ANSWER: About the validity of these good parents?
ANSWER: Well, again, you see, it depends in what manner and spirit and aim it is done. If the person who goes through such experience with the ideal good parents and he or she experiences this as the child and then afterwards in the work it is licked up and pointed out that this is an impossible expectation and how this impossible expectation manifests -- what the patterns are, what the behavior is on the part of the person in order to obtain it -- then this experience will have a valuable impact because it will feel a little bit like it would have been for the child. But if this is not tied in with the current reality situation then such an experience may even lead to the vague encouragement of such an expectation. And it cannot be really accepted that this ideal parent that would have been very nice and beautiful to have had cannot be now reconstructed and reenacted. So it depends. It is also possible that you go into the deep feeling without necessarily going through this phase, but it can at times be helpful. There are no rules to be made. Do you understand?
QUESTION: Yeah, I understand but I still have a feeling that there is something not right...
ANSWER: About what?
QUESTION: The good set of parents.
ANSWER: Well, it can...
QUESTION: What does it help then?
ANSWER: Well, let us say, a person has an extreme need to be touched and cuddled and warm, as everyone has. Now, the mere fact that it is temporarily experienced can make that need more conscious and not so diffuse. And in that sense, it can be a helpful experience. After this experience, other things have come -- impacts and guidance from other sources -- that make another approach possible where you can skip this part, unless there are exceptions when you feel you have to use your intuition where this can be helpful, just in order to bring this need into acute consciousness and then perhaps part with the painful desire to get [inaudible].
QUESTION: In the last cancer workshop we had, the instrument [Eva Pierrakos] suggested perhaps that J. should have been allowed to build up more tension rather than doing some of the physical work, which the instrument interpreted as releasing tension, and P. felt that this, although it's a valid concept, that you have to do different things with different people, that some people couldn't...if the tension were to build up with some people, then it would just tie them up in knots and they couldn't go anywhere. And yet some people needed the physical release as a sort of trigger into their feelings.
ANSWER: Did you want to know which is true?
ANSWER: Both are true and there are no rules. In some cases the building of the tension may lead much more directly into the feelings; it may be too fast at the moment, more than the body can carry. At other times, this is preferable; and if the tension is released there is not enough energy there to go into anything. There are no general rules, but of course as a rule the bodywork is very important, as you know, and should always however be combined with this, so that the bodywork should, if at all possible, not be mechanical. It should be directly related to the emotional expression as much as possible, more and more, especially now that so many of the people in this work have already a very sound foundation. If someone starts very new and is still in a very fragile state, the building up of...releasing blocked energy in the body and also of spiritual foundation is extremely important in order to avoid unnecessary traumatic and crisis experiences.
But there can be no rules made. You know, these things are extremely subtle and you all have to use your finest intuitions to know when one and when the other is perhaps more advisable or when a third or a fourth approach is more advisable. And it is not such a great thing...even if one would have been more advisable in this instant, no great harm is done. You're all groping; you're human, and no matter what you do, the main thing is always the inner resistance of the person, the involuntary and voluntary resistances. To the degree these go, to that degree, whatever you do will become more and more right. That is why I suggested that specifically in this group that you concentrate more on the two levels of resistances or defenses, which are very distinctly separate. It is very possible that the voluntary resistance is largely overcome but the involuntary resistance is still there. In many, many cases, however, the voluntary resistance is also very strong and that should be discussed among you.
QUESTION: I'm here for the first time in this training group and I'd like you to tell me something about the responsibilities or the responsibility of the helper to the person that he or she is helping.
ANSWER: Yes. This can be summed up in one sentence and which contains the key and everything else: The responsibility of the helper is to be himself or herself, totally committed to the path, to overcoming the resistances and defenses, to really wanting to go all the way, as best as this is possible, to really want to face the truth and experience the painful feelings and to grope with the inevitable need to find the right answers at the right time and to bring out the inner guidance. When a person is thus committed, he fulfills his responsibility toward himself and those he works with. That is the key.
And no one outside can really, truly be the judge of that and determine whether or not you are fulfilling this responsibility. You alone in your heart of hearts will know it, but I will say this: There is a very good gauge that will be a very telling answer and that will be the life of the person -- his fulfillment and the people who come to him and the open doors, the green lights that open up. A helper who does not follow his own individual path as best as he could, if he does not overcome the voluntary defenses and resistances, he will find blocked doors to his capacity as a helper as well as in other ways. The more he acts out and projects the past into the present and justifies it, the more he will find the doors locked. Often it has happened already that someone started, let us say, as a helper, and has at that time been as fully on his path as he could at this time. Then the doors open and he could be helpful and people came to him and it was a smooth river of life, and also in this respect he was clearly productive in his life. And when such a person stops and lets a resistance get the better over him, people will fall off. The work will be stalemated; progress will be stalemated all around and doors will close. And this is usually quite a reliable indication or gauge.
QUESTION: I have a question in connection with the physical group work. I find very often that I'm in just the opposite mood when I get there than what we are supposed to feel. Then sometimes I have a conscious resistance and I feel it and I let myself be aware of it; at other times I tell myself, "You are supposed to feel anger or frustration or happiness. Now, exercise your will power and your feelings to go along with what is expected of you." But this is a conflict and I don't know whether this is good, because when I come here and we work here, then I can talk about or act up what I really feel at that moment. But there I have to adapt myself to what's going on in that group.
ANSWER: I would suggest the following: If you fall into the compliance, you are right where you started from -- giving up your own feelings in order to obtain a parental love and approval, which is of course everyone's story, each in his own and her own way. Now, on the other hand, if you start off by really expressing your feelings and bringing this back to the past, you will perhaps work a few minutes on that with your helper there and then you may naturally fall into it or you may stay out of the exercise; and that is all right too. It is perfectly all right to say "I do not feel this; I must be true to my feelings." And you can probe in yourself, "Is this rebellion or is this honest?" If it is honest, you should do it. If it is merely rebellion, you can bring it back to your own past and then go through this with your feelings. Do you understand?
QUESTION: Yes, yes.
ANSWER: But never do anything because it is expected.
QUESTION: I have a tendency if I'm talking with someone that has asked my help to start helping that person and then I get very caught up, almost out of breath, and I just have to make him see a certain point, even though I know it's the right thing. I just feel it's the right thing. And I think that sometimes I turn the person off because I'm selling it, and is it my own insecurity that's doing it, about what I'm feeling...
ANSWER: Well, I would say this. Again the word "insecurity" is merely a label that would not help you much for this. I would put it this way: that if you really let yourself feel this need to convince, this compulsion to convince, and you tie back into your past, you will see that you bring into the present "I must prove my value, my worth, so that I can be loved and appreciated." This is in there. And if you fully let yourself feel this rather than judging it and go on from there and put it away, if you fully feel this, you will see that this is one of the many examples that you need to tie in where you act out the past in the present -- when you bring the past into the present and how harmful this is.
QUESTION: You often seem to stress the importance of the relationship between the physical work and the capacity to have and hold feelings. If you're working with someone who has tremendous resistance to the physical work, is it unwise to encourage them to experience deep feelings to go back into their past, for example.
ANSWER: I would say you can use their very physical manifestations to do that. You can let them feel the body and what they feel in the body. Most people are so disconnected from the body that they do not even know that they have a specific tension here and a specific pressure there in their body. If you let them feel, bring them to feel "what do they really experience in their body right now?" and then, after this is acknowledged, what does this tension or this pressure in their body mean? Is this an anxiety? Is this a fear? Is this a pain? Is this a hurt? Is this a guilt? Is this an anger? Is this tears? What kind of feelings might they be that are contained? By helping this awareness and connectedness you are perfectly safe because it will merely gradually build in a person, number one, the awareness of the meaning of the body and the unity of body and emotion. And this awareness -- if it is not merely paying lip service or an intellectual theoretical knowledge, but really an inner experience where the person can feel that, let us say, a pressure in the solar plexus is a fear or even perhaps first that there is a pressure, there is a deadness, and what does this deadness mean -- this awareness can gradually make the bridge that such a person will go into those feelings and then give up the resistance to the physical work and also make the person see "what does this resistance to the physical work mean?" It means, very simply, that the deep inner self knows moving brings the feeling alive. And that is exactly what the person wants to avoid. Once this awareness is established, you can make it very clear to the person that help is impossible unless the feelings are gone through and experienced and linked up with the past and the present. It is completely wishful thinking to hope for help unless this is done. The acute awareness of the blocks in the body and that the blocks in the body mean "I must not feel," is a direct link to overcoming this particular resistance. So by approaching it in this way, you have nothing to fear. There's no risk.
Now, if you are yourself frightened, then that is something that you should discuss and work with -- why you have this fear for your patient, for yourself. And to the degree you overcome it in yourself, you will not have fear to go into these feelings with those entrusted to you.
QUESTION: I feel like asking a question but I can't really formulate it very well...
ANSWER: Well, try.
QUESTION: ...because I know that something has been in my mind. The question has to do with helper and helping, but it also has to do more specifically with my sister who, through Greece, has been asking for my help and I know that the only way that I feel at times help is being given out from me to another person is when I somehow remove a kind of willful and intellectual talking and I let a kind of flow come through and talk whatever comes through to me: I express it, either in writing or in a conversation, with faith that whatever the two consciousnesses are doing, they are bringing up what has to be brought up at the time. At the same time I know very well that what does come through me is where I'm at that particular time. The kind of problems that I'm tackling in myself and the kind of enlightenment or understanding I have about myself colors my approach, my words, and my expressions towards the other person. And I wonder if (especially not [now?] with my sister)...am I not...I really don't because I know if I do it this way it will be all right but I have the same kind of feelings about physical work, but maybe some of that flow, that stream of consciousness, is right and good and helpful. And some of it, since I'm not totally open and aware and in contact with all of myself might be my irrational, dependent, and anxious self, in which case I would not really be giving her or giving anyone. I would not know how to distinguish between something that is real and true and helpful, and the other part which is my own irrational and anxious...
ANSWER: Well, of course, it is difficult for you who joined this group later. This was of course discussed at great length at the beginning when the training group formed and a lot of discussion was given on that part and you can go more into this; that the path is exactly that, a listening and letting it unfold from within. And the more you work yourself and are in contact with your own problems and your own feelings and are tackling them and overcoming the resistance, the better you will be able to distinguish and let the path of the person unfold from within. And it comes out as an ongoing organic reality, each individual path. And then it is an inner unfoldment where the patient unfolds and the helper unfolds and it's a common guidance that comes into effect. And it requires a great deal of inner listening. The more you are at help with yourself the better you will be able to distinguish; and there is a certain feeling about the truth -- when you hit the truth and you feel the truth, where there is peace, even if the other person does not accept it or cannot see it yet. It is something...as though something clicks, you know. But, of course, I would also say that the help a sister can give to another sister, it must be limited, because there is, by necessity, a mutual involvement from the past that must enter into it, so that it must be a limited thing in itself.
QUESTION: Even if there is a lot of love?
ANSWER: Even if there is a lot of love! This is why in the very best of circumstances people who are very closely related, especially blood relatives who grew up together, it is very difficult to do this; up to a certain degree, you can.
QUESTION: Well, we didn't grow up together so we kind of rediscovered each other.
ANSWER: Well...to a degree you can do it. To a degree. But you must realize you can never do it in the full degree.
QUESTION: Oh, I realize that. I realize that.
ANSWER: Yes, yes. That's right. Any other questions?
QUESTION: I feel like I'm opening up a can of worms now. There is something. I wish C. and D. were here because this is something I know that has sort of been on their minds as well as mine, something that's been bothering a bunch of us. It has to do with expressions of anger. I'll just talk specifically because it has to do with the instrument [Eva Pierrakos] and other people here and with a couple of people who are no longer in the work. It's very confusing to some of us about this thing, about the expression of anger; when one as a helper encourages the helpee to express their irrational anger, what comes out is a whole wad of stuff that's rational and some of it not rational and some of it they think is rational where it's irrational. And the thing that we've been hooked on is the helper's response to this, a response with anger, with the helper's own angry reactions to feeling attacked. And I'm confused about this and I would like you to comment on it.
ANSWER: Well, this is exactly, in a way, what I said before. You see, this is an acting out that whether the helper's anger is ideal and completely self-realized (an expression of that or not) is really not the point here. But as I said before, you yourself are human beings. If you have the desire to become helpers and you think you should never have an angry reaction, no matter what is acted out, then you must enter into this whole venture, not only with undue tension and the need to be something you are not, but also not being helpful because this demand -- "no matter what I do my helper must not have a reaction" -- is exactly the kind of thing that should not be encouraged. And the thing that should really be done is immediately bring it back to the past and immediately make the person see; and perhaps the helper was not doing this as quickly and as fast as it would be ideal to do it. This is why we grope forward as we go along.
My recommendation in such instances is that immediately the issue should not be kept in the present because it is the past that comes into the present again. It is one of these examples. The moment this is done, you will be on safe ground. You will see where the original anger really belongs and the original pain and hurt and how, (because of the fact that this original anger and pain was there and could not be expressed, how you act out in the present: Something in you says (and this applies of course more or less to everyone) "my feelings were not accepted as a child. I could not be loved and yet be truly myself with my pain, with my needs, with my anger; so therefore I expect that you give it to me, that you let me be angry at you and yet you love me like the ideal parent." This is really behind it. Now, it does mean being allowed to act out to let the irrational feelings out. The encouragement of acting out is harmful. It should be expressed but the person should be guided to "where does it belong and what is the significance?" That's exactly one of the points I made. Do you see this?
ANSWER: It is not helpful, on the contrary. There is a very insidious process going underneath in the destructive part of the so-called patient, because in that moment he involves himself in this bind: He cannot win; he is out, unconsciously, to prove his helper is again a bad parent who has let him down again and therefore cannot help him as a helper. The parent then says, "yes, you are right. All of these things you accuse me of are true," then he cannot help either. In either way, he cannot win. And that puts a noose around the patient. It is a very insidious and very neurotic process that is going on. Now, I would say that the instrument's problem here is her difficulty to handle this. She feels that there is something like that but there is a difficulty of handling it and I think now this will become better when the emphasis is pointed where it belongs and not the time wasted on the present.
QUESTION: Can I ask you a question relating to group work? I have been having some difficulties about group work in reacting to the way in which other members of the group acted in the group. My difficulty is this: I feel that so many of them, including myself, often get into a role of a helper toward another member of the group, in a sense trying to give directions and explain things or trying to make intellectual connections, and I feel that this is, when it is done by others, it makes my angry. When it is done by myself then I feel I am really acting in a role which I want to have but it's escape from my own emotions somehow. What is your advice about this kind of role playing in the group?
ANSWER: Well, of course, of course, I completely discourage it. The emphasis on the other person is always an escape, to get away from your own feelings. (I do not just mean yours now, but anyone.) It is a very, very frequent means of escape; and it is very important for you that you, all of you, are aware of this and do not get involved in this saying of "you are..." and analyze the other person. Always keep the emphasis on what you feel. That again brings me back to one of the points I made today and which was one of the purposes of this session here: this is, for example a voluntary resistance or defense that could, once you put your attention to it very easily be overcome, because if you can for example say instead (and this would not be so difficult; it merely means a switch of attention within yourself): "I am now frightened and threatened that this group session would expose feelings of hurt and shame that I am terrified of; and therefore I would like to rather emphasize, to let out my irritation that I feel on account of that with the others who irritate me." The moment this is expressed, you are really in the now; and that would be indeed helpful for you and others.
QUESTION: I have something else pertaining to group; something I've just realized is how much I really, really want to boss everyone around. And I'm very ashamed of this problem so I've always taken a back seat and never said anything and am very passive -- just the whole thing.
QUESTION: Now, I want to go through these feelings of wanting to boss everyone around but I don't know if recognizing it myself is enough. I feel like I want to actually do it. Now, is that acting out or what?
ANSWER: No, no. You see, here is the difference: If you acted out by seeking issues where you think you have a justified case, then you would act out; [side one ended and the tape was turned over; perhaps something was lost.] ... and that is indeed, as I say again and again and again, not...it is very harsh. It does not hate at all. But if you instead would say exactly what you said now to the group and then you may set up a situation like a kind of...you know, one of those exercises (if you wish to call them that) where you really are freely allowed to act out in this way [role-playing]; and you do anything you want with everyone (always in the sense that you will not actually hurt physically but in the way you have done in the group before, even killed everyone and so forth). Do this! Give free reign. And after you do that, you go into the feeling: "What does this mean -- I want to boss around? What is this feeling covering up of other feelings that are behind this?" You're being free to act this out in a good way in the group because you own up to what you feel. Then you can go into the feeling and discover that there are other feelings, really, behind that. You see, here we have several examples of the immense difference of acting out in a blind and case-making way or of owning up to what you feel, whether it is that you are anxious and do not want to feel your feelings; and therefore would rather analyze someone else or that you want to boss others around for the same reason or that you do not wish to comply [inaudible -- 2 or 3 words] with the demands made on you and you feel rebellious and you say that: "I do not wish to give in." It is one thing to just act it and it is another thing to accept and express these feelings and all the difference lies in that. And it is exactly the same toward an individual helper: If there is anger and hate and this is directly owned up to, it is good, if it is stated and expressed. But if it is indirectly acted out by a case being made, it is bad. All these examples point in the same direction.
QUESTION: (someone cuts in) I'd like to say something for the group.
QUESTION: I feel...I have a very strong feeling that I often wish that something would take place in the beginning of the group that will make the group truly a group, because no matter how many things happen in terms of individuals, I am aware of not happening...of the energy not having a common source, interest, and direction in that. I don't know if this is an unrealistic expectation on my part or if it is a necessity, but I do feel that if some kind of thing happens where the energy became more shared and common that a great deal more things would happen and a great deal more energy would be available. But when one person goes through it and a few people identify or listen intensely and the others are off, somehow there's a feeling of start and stop and start and stop and...
ANSWER: Well, the point here is this...you have a very good point here but the answer is this: Again, if you use, all of you who are in a group, and express your anxiety, that already will bring a common bond. It is not so much what you do together, because the doing together is at times a good thing and at times it is not at all what is needed. But if you really use this anxiety and express the defenses and your fear that is in you and talk about it, then immediately this energy level will be created. And then whether one person goes through something or several, in either case, it is good. And also as I've [stated] in the last two [answers], this should be done more and more; also that if one person goes through very deep feelings, you should all, who sit around, observe yourself: to what extent are you touched by the feelings, to what extent does the automatism cut it off, and then you separate yourself from the proceedings because you do not want to be affected. By the moment you notice that, it becomes a voluntary thing and you can give up that voluntary resistance and let yourself be affected and go yourself into some of your feelings, even while the other person is there. Several people could then spontaneously go into it. You do not have to wait for a turn.
At the same time, I will also say that you as well as many other people have, of course, expectations of the group that are still unrecognized, just as you have the expectation of a helper to be the ideal family, to nurture you and warm you; and when that warmth and nurturing is not forthcoming, you feel very much let down. And that is also extremely important to recognize. And that is why the comfort that the group can extend should also be...you should, each one of you, recognize in yourself how much of that is the childish need -- the need of the child of the past -- carried in there. And to the degree you recognize that, true warmth and friendship will be more and more purified. And when you hug each other, it will be the real person and not the past desired parent that always comes in and all the more strongly when it is not recognized. This is the emphasis in which it should go more...and always say what you feel, use the energy of tension and anxiety. For the group this is of immense importance, especially when you do not deny but bring it in as your contribution, as it were.
QUESTION: In other words...is it true then that just movements without expressing these feelings and without defining what you feel exactly then can really take you in the wrong direction sometimes?
ANSWER: Well, I would say...it would not necessarily be in the wrong direction, but it will not bring you into this unified link up that is necessary. The movement can help at the moment relieve a certain block that makes it then easier to get into the feeling. But eventually, the movement must definitely be connected with the feeling. Absolutely.
QUESTION: Something you said about group -- not having to wait your turn but to come out. And I think that's a very important thing for me just to realize now to make a try in the next group: It’s that I usually wait. If someone's talking and I have a strong feeling, I sort of put that feeling down until it's my turn. And I realize that very often that feeling completely disappears by the time it's my turn to bring it up.
ANSWER: Yes. You see, you do not have to wait to be heard in order to give into your feelings. You can go off into a corner and cry or yell or do something. And then let the thing take over from on that feeling level and whatever happens happen. Recognize also that the need to be heard by others is exactly again the carried over need of the past -- namely, that your parents hear you, your family hears you. And that contributes to a great deal of anxiety in a group situation -- the coming into it with: "I must be heard, I must be recognized." And it is not only the competitiveness that you mentioned (of course it's also related to this) but it is this need to finally be the loved child that is given total attention in the family situation now.
QUESTION: I wonder if the thing that C. mentioned -- this "stop and start" -- isn't a result of people maybe all having the same feeling of "let that person have their say," and holding down their feelings and going off and doing it and then really becoming one in that fashion.
ANSWER: Yes. You see, that is right. When a person really goes from his deep feelings himself and his defenses are eliminated, at that moment it does not really matter whether the other person is also in the same frame. But if it happens that way, that is fine. But your dependency on that is again in itself and expression of "I cannot do it unless others do it too because I am wrong if I do it," and that comes from very early childhood where the child's feelings are not accepted. And therefore one needs the encouragement that one is not alone in it. And so each one is dependent that the other does it too.
QUESTION: Sometimes waiting your turn can also be wanting more attention.
QUESTION: Wanting everybody's attention.
QUESTION: I have a difficulty. Whenever I think of starting to help somebody, I feel terrified and this goes beyond a mere feeling that I will do it wrong, that I will not say the right things, and all that. But I fear a connection there that -- it's very hard for me -- that I always wanted wisdom that was in my little child: I wanted to be wise. And then came my idealized self-image, as you know, that wasn't a wise woman. Now, since I would really become wise if I went through with the path and could help others, then this is very hard for me to reconcile with this idealized self-image...
ANSWER: The fact that this idealized self-image is still here is that you too have not recognized to what a strong degree you still want your mother and your father to approve of you and to love you, and how you carry this into the present. And this is very much responsible for the fear that you may not do right, that you may not do what is expected of you, that you may not be as wise as you should be. And the more you recognize this, the more it will become possible for you to give it up, not first in that particular issue where you are a helper or a prospective helper. I mean generally speaking. This connection also has to be much more established. Do you see?
QUESTION: Yes, but...
ANSWER: And then, you see, the idealized self-image will no longer be there, when you really can accept the fact that what you wanted as a child you cannot have and will not have; and no matter what or how hard you try, the present will not yield this either. Once you accept that, the letting go will begin to take place on the deeper inner level. And then you will not betray yourself any longer: You will be yourself and not your idealized self.
QUESTION: The difficulty is that the rebellion comes in where I still cannot imagine not pleasing my parents without being rebellious. I have flashes now, doing all sorts of things that I know my mother would disapprove of, just to show her...
ANSWER: Well, that would be acting out again. On the other hand if you go into those feelings in the setting of this work (you should try this) and really let out these feelings and experience these feelings and go through these feelings, you will not be tempted to act them out, which is useless, completely; it damages.
QUESTION: I will do that, but there is this other difficulty when the advice or the expectations, in that they coincide with the truth which is what one really wants. What is that?
ANSWER: Well, when you do it on an intellectual basis, then it's very difficult to find...it is almost impossible, I would say, it is impossible to find the right answer. But when you really feel all the feelings that have accumulated and make the connection from the past to the present, you will find a new life center opening up here in the solar plexus. This strong sense of unity within yourself -- the flow of energy and the spiritual reality of your innermost being -- will then bring the answer when you are in yourself and you are in your feelings and that is all right. You are no longer involved in the seesaw of submission versus rebellion. But it is not an intellectual decision whether it is this or that.
ANSWER: Okay, my dearest friends. I want to close this meeting by telling you, once again, that whoever of you is willing can become a very integral part of this wonderful community which is being built, stone by stone already now in spirit. It is something that gradually and constantly unfolds, more and more, that is gaining sounder and sounder foundation through the good work that is being done by those who are really at the foundation of this work. All of you can look forward to wonderful self-expression and important help that you can give others as a result of your gradual and inexorable growth and unfoldment and liberation of your own shackles. Your true innermost being, the golden nucleus of your real self, shine [sic] through forever more as you follow this path. Be blessed, my friends, with love and strength and energy and healing, every one of you here and those of you who belong here and are absent today. Be in peace.
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